Sunday, January 13, 2013

The Visitor

Unexpectedly, an alien showed up at my house.

I asked, “Are you a Nazi-Space-Alien from Der Daaak Side unt da Moon?

He said, “No.”  And I was cool with that.

None-the-less, I was late for school ‘cause I missed the bus and here I am talking with an Alien.

I explained, “Look, I’m sure you have a lot on your mind and all, but I’m late for school and If I’m late one more time Dr. Webber is gonna give me a big fat D!”

He said in a somewhat metallic sounding voice, “Not to worry Earthling, I will shut down and wait for your return.  You do represent the ground dwellers, do you not?”

“Yeah, sure.  Look I really gotta book!”

“Allow me to help.”  He offered while walking out the front door.  He comes back with two items.  A giant glass-like plate that he sits on the ground.  Then he carefully places a large 3ft by 3ft green plastic Kitty litter box on top of the glass plate.  “This will assist you in your time limiting travels.”  He explains.

Lucky for me, I’m just five foot tall, so I can fit inside nice and snug.  I figure he ain’t no Space Nazi, so I’m sure I can trust him…and in I go!

He explains in that metallic, but Non-Space-Nazi voice, “Put your thumbs under your underarms and flap your arms like a bird, ever so gently and the device will elevate.  Lean forward and you will travel.  Go now.  Met your important obligations my ground dwelling leader and I will wait your return.

“Let me make sure I didn’t miss anything.”  I sarcastically add.   I’m supposed to sit in the giant kitty litter box and flap my arms?”

“That’s pretty much it, I wish there was another way.  We all look so silly on my planet when we travel, but it is what it is.”  The alien explained.

So I figure what the hell, I sit and start flapping…ever so gently, and I start going up!  I leaned forward and I was out the door.  I stopped and looked back.

“I will be here, waiting for your return.”  The alien shouted as he closed my front door.

Off I went from my front lawn down the street.  I see the warehouse where my friend Hal works, and figure…why not?  I fly right to the docking bay door and ring the buzzer.

“Yes?”  The calm voice on the intercom asks.

“Open the docking bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that Dave, the warehouse is closed.”

“Please open the docking bay doors, Hal.”  I ask again.

“I’m sorry Dave, I can’t do that.”  Comes the reply.

“Hal, open the God-Damn doors!”  I yell.

The doors open, and I go sliding right in in my kitty litter box, “Wheeeeee!”

I forget about going to school 'cause its fun to fly.  I'm zippin' by all the workers and going up high where stuff is stored and swingin’ back down again.  Then a manager shows up and flags me down.  I figure I’m in big trouble, so I fly up high to the roof and swoop down a few times before I come down and stop in fron of her.

She says, "Why our company needs someone with your gusto to work in management.  You’re just what we're looking for.  Stop by tomorrow to fill out the paper work and your hired!"

I go to class and then come home to my alien pet who was fixing dinner.

“I got some great news!” I say during supper.

“What is it Dave?”

“I got a job!”

“You got a job!”  He returns.

“Yes!  I fill out the paperwork tomorrow!”

“I’m very proud of you!  Now I would like to discuss the sharing of natural resources with your species.”

“Sure, no problem,” I add, “Take what you want.”

So the next day I get into my kitty litter box to go to work and I can barely get off the ground.  I do manage to fly; however, only it's real hard to go as quick as I did the day before.  I'm flappin' and flappin' and leaning real far, but I’m barely moving.  After much effort I get to work and do the paper work.  I barely make it home.

I tell the Alien, who is at home watching Oprah. He says, "Oh, all you need is some more ointment."

He picks up the plastic plate thingy and puts some alien KY Jelly stuff on the bottom and puts it back in the litter box thingy, "There, try it now."

I works like a charm and I'm flyin' around my front yard, zipping up and zippin’ down!

Once landed, I go in and interrupt Oprah, "I forgot all about the gel. I didn't know it made it fly."

"Oh, it doesn't."  he says.  “It just helps.  You don't really need the box at all.  You don’t even need to flap.  Go ahead, give it a try."

So I think “up” and up I go, nice and gently.  I lean forward, and start to travel out the door, until I'm floating horizontally above the lawn.  Then I think about going toward the driveway, and off I go.  I float around the neighborhood for a while and then come back home.

The alien is sittin' on the couch watching Gomer Pyle. He looks at me with a gentle smile.

"I had no idea that I could fly." I say.

"Everyone can fly," he whispers with a smile. "They just don't because they think they can't.  I’m done here."  Then he gets up and leaves...forever, I think.

And I realize, the only limitations we have are the limits we put on ourselves.

And isn't that nice to know.

And now you know!


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